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Deal Breakers

February 9, 2010

So the other night, I was at a bar with a fairly large group of friends. After listening to my single male acquaintances essentially word-vomit all evening, all I could think to myself was, “Christ, and you wonder why you’re alone?”

For my fellas, and some of you ladies, the hating expert has compiled a list of things you should NEVER EVER SAY EVER when it comes to your love life.

The following are all true stories. If I’m lying, may the sweet, drooling baby Jesus himself strike me down.

Brag About Your Sexual History

Yes, this may be fine among friends, but in front of potential sweet hearts, this is one of the biggest jack ass moves ever–especially if you’re trying to make a good impression.

And especially if that “hot piece of Asian ass” you keep bring up gave you chlamydia. And you in turn gave it to one of my friends. But it’s okay, because now you “use condoms.” THAT IS NOT AN EFFECTIVE DEAL CLOSER, YOU ASS.

Whine About Your Lack of Sexual History

You’re a virgin? So what. The women I’ve spoken to really don’t care about that. But bringing it up every ten minutes for the next two hours while you get drunk off your ass on four beers (Coors Light, no less!) is not going to help your cause. In fact, you probably deserve it. Scratch that, I know you deserve it. Not only am I not going to take one for the team or introduce you to any of my single friends, but I am going to mock you mercilessly behind your back for the rest of your life. (And a little bit to your face.)

Make Inappropriate Moves

So you see a girl that you think is pretty and you want to strike up a conversation with her? But crap, her boyfriend is sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HER? What to do, what to do? Oh wait, they just had a fight? Sweet! You better ask the boyfriend’s best friend for her number after he gets back from driving them home. And once you have her digits, you should probably find out her name.

Never Assume

This is true for everyone, but especially when you’re on the hunt for some loving. Really, the only way I can disperse this wisdom is through a narrative:

I know a very attractive woman who has been in a long term relationship with another (also gorgeous) woman for several years. One night, one of the most desperate men I have ever met in my entire life was hitting on her relentlessly. After about an hour, the object of his attention’s girlfriend showed up. Honest to God, he said, “I didn’t know you were bi.” Keep in mind, he had never met her before.

She is not bi. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that she has a penis. (That and it was too damn funny.)

That’s right, she’s a pre-op transgendered individual.

So let that be a lesson to you all.

Go forth and hate.

Deal Breakrs (Part Duex)

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 10, 2010 2:50 am

    Cannot express my love for this post enough.

  2. February 10, 2010 2:54 am

    Thank you!

Trackbacks

  1. Monday Lovin « Olive Life
  2. Deal Breakers (Part Duex) « The Hating Expert

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