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I Will Get You Laid

January 22, 2010

Now, this is a pretty vag-centric blog. But this post, this one’s for the fellas.  So pay attention, because I’m going to make your life.

First of all, if you’ve read The Game, forget everything. That book is for douche bags. ARE YOU A DOUCHE? If so, exit out and return to your silly book of mediocre come-ons. This post is for men who want to actually score, and not spend the rest of their life beating off.

It seems to be a universal joke among male comedians (Dane Cook, etc.) that when women go out, they want to “just dance.” And yes, to a certain extent, this is true. If we are out with our girls, we want to spend time with them. But I can not think of a single lady that I know who would be upset that a nice guy approached her.

And there, good sirs, is the key word. You want to approach and not creep. And yes, there is a fine distinction between the two.

First, do not sneak up on a girl from behind, ESPECIALLY if she’s dancing. Women expect this to happen when they go out, and they expect it from creeps. If you do this, you will automatically be placed into that category. Instead, approach her from the front. Introduce yourself and then say some generic compliment that explains why you’re there. Then, ask her if she would like to dance with you. (Ex. Hi, I’m Boy. I know this is corny, but I think you’re pretty. Would you like to dance with me?”) Few girls will straight up tell you ‘no.’ At worse, you’ll get a pity dance.

While you’re dancing, there are still some guidelines which need to be followed. Do not instantly start grinding your junk on her ass. Why men think women want to feel their awkward boners is beyond me. I have never once heard a woman say, “Oh! And then, and this is just so sweet, I felt his erection on my thigh! Isn’t that romantic?” Start by facing her. If she turns around and starts rubbing her booty in your crotch, then by all means continue. But you want to show (or at least give the illusion, am I right?) of respect. Also, be careful with your hands. Don’t grab a woman by her hips unless you really, really feel like it’s appropriate.

After the dance, you can then ask to buy her a drink. If she says no, cut your losses and leave her alone. You will only piss her off more if you linger like bad gas. If she accepts the drink offer, then you can ask her if she wants to dance again or something. Remember though, that she’s with her friends so don’t expect to get her undivided attention. You can leave her with her girls to squeal and gush about how “nice that guy was!” and come back later. If you honestly felt some chemistry, you can ask for a number. If you’ve managed to endure yourself to her, and not to annoy, then you can feel fairly confident that she won’t give you a fake one.

So boys, next time you go trolling for booty at the clubs, remember these simple suggestions.

Go forth and hate (while gettin’ some!)

Related The Hating Expert posts:
Safe Sexy Time Part One: Barrier Methods

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